the Extremely Pointless Talk Show
by ThornyRainBreak
Summary: The first ever episode of the EPTS. Its actaully the 4th, seeing as the first "3" have been lost forever, but you'll get the idea. It's pure fun and insanity.


Warnings Disclaimers and Whatnot:

~This fiction contains violence, some course language, and all around insanity. By not clicking the back button, you are choosing to read this yourself. Any harm caused by reading this is your responsibility and not mine. 

~The E.P.T.S is property of moi. Meaning it is mine. If anyone takes it…death by blender! Now all characters and products and trademarks are property of their rightful owners. I make no money whatsoever off of this. I just do it out of pure insanity.

~Now that you have read and understood the above statements….on with the show!

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The Extremely Pointless Talk Show   
Show #3/ #5 

  
  
_*The camera comes on and zooms in on an empty stage. The camera goes off then comes back on. There is a recliner in the middle of the stage. A coffee table is sitting in front of it. A 2-litter bottle of coke that says "Buzz Off" is sitting next to a plate of cauliflower. There are five chairs on each side of the stage. The place is deserted except for the audience. A kid sneaks up to the stage from the audience and sits in the chair.* _  
  
Kid: Hey! I'm Neo, the host of the Extremely Retarded Deranged Talk Show. Today, we have the cast from the show that I don't know the name of!   
  
Audience: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!   
_  
*the audience suddenly goes dead quiet. The kid doesn't see the dark shadow creeping up behind him.*_  
  
Kid: Since I can't remember the name of the show, I guess this show is stupid! No. wait. I'm stupid because my name is Neo Daimoa. _*takes a drink from the coke bottle* _Neo Daimoa is…………   
_  
*the shadowy figure suddenly grabs him from the chair by the neck. The lights come on and we see the star standing there in black cargo pants, a black and dark blue cape over a shirt that says "Did I say you could talk to me?" looking really pissed off. *_  
  
Kid: Hey! Lego! That hurts!   
  
Neo: *_evil voice* _You think this hurts? This is nothing compared to what your going to get next. Now….who sent you? Was it Ash!?   
  
Kid: C…Ca…Can't...Brea...Breathe!   
  
Neo: Well? Tell Me! It was Ash, wasn't it? She just can't stand that my show is number one on the TV ratings list…and hers is three! Ha! You can't even beat Zoids at # 2! Of course…there is Van and Karl and Irvine and Bit and Raven and……She sent you, didn't she?   
  
Kid: I don't even know who Ash is!   
  
Neo: You're lying! I know you are!   
  
Kid: Fine! I hate your talk show! It's so boring! Ash's is a lot better than yours. But the brilliant idea of trashing your show like this was all my idea.   
  
Neo: _*laughing* _You…You think this was a good idea? He, he thinks this was a good idea. _*really evil voice* _You have NO idea what you just did kid. Time to take out the trash. WOLFWOOD! GO PUT THIS BRAT IN THE DUNGEON FOR SPIES AND ANOYING PESKY BRATS WHO TRY TO TAKE OVER MY TALK SHOW!   
  
_* Wolfwood runs out from the curtains with a straightjacket. He puts the straightjacket on Neo, handcuffs the kid and ran off the stage. He comes back on stage, grabs the kid and leaves before Neo can hurt him.* _  
  
Neo: _**_ What do you think you are doing? I'm not the one who needs help here! (A.N: snicker, snicker) Let me out of this dang thing!   
  
Duo: _*from off stage* _We, the guests of your show, think it is the best way. You were getting out of control. We had to do something.   
  
Neo: Welllllllllllllllllllll scuse me! I didn't know beating up kids was against the law! Now let me at him!   
  
_*Silence* _  
  
Neo: Well, let me at someone so I can hurt them!   
  
Wolfwood: It's not like he totally ruined your show. Your still #1.   
  
Neo: Argh! HE DRANK MY COKE! HE SHOULD DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!   
  
_*Neo runs off stage wearing the straightjacket. There is a lot of screaming and yelling coming from the cloud of dust coming from behind stage.* _  
  
Neo: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh! Duo, what the HFIL do you think you're doin'?   
  
Duo: Drinking coke.   
  
Neo: Which fridge did you get that from?   
  
Duo: Um, I think it was the one that was shaped like a giant coke bottle, had a sign that said "Keep Out Or Die" on it and I think it was in you're dressing room.   
  
Neo: WHAT? You were in my dressing room? Oh that's it!   
  
_*breaks free of straightjacket and runs off to hurt more people, Duo in particular, and cause more chaos. Subaru shows up in front of the camera.*   
_  
Subaru: Um, there seem to be many, or actually just one, evil spirits here. There is also a COKE CURSE put on this building. I will do my best to get rid of them while you watch this commercial break.   
  
_*Subaru sees Neo running at him, really mad and ducks just in time. Neo runs head on into the camera. The camera goes dead and after a moment of static, we see the commercials.* _  
  
_*The camera suddenly comes back on and we see the regular stage set up with a couch, coffee table, and chairs. The audience claps as Neo comes on stage. She is wearing a shirt that says I LUV ME on it. She sits down, takes a chug _(A.N: more like a can) _of coke and begins the show.* _  
  
Neo: Helloooooooooooooooooooooooo Tokyoooooooooooooooooo! Now, if I know the average person, which I don't because I'm above average, you are probably very, very confused right now. What you just witnessed was actually the 4th episode of The E.P.T.S. Due to the uh, "violent content", which was um, "uncontrollable" of the show, they wouldn't let us show it on air. And, since that was the 4th episode, we would now be at #5, right. I think it is a miracle that my show lasted this long. I mean don't get me wrong, but I was expecting three episodes at the most. I can't believe we have been #1 on the TV ratings list for five weeks now, actually, it would now be six in America because of the whole time swap or whatever. All I can say now is…..starts crying……YOU TOLERATE ME! YOU REALLY TOLERATE ME! _*calms down* _Now, I know you don't want to hear me blab on like this, so without further adieu, here's the show! What? You thought this was the show? HA HA HA HA, that's funny.   
  
_*The camera goes black then the E.P.T.S. logo comes on and the real show starts. There is a couch, coffee table, and chairs. The cast of Gundam Wing is sitting on one side and Cowboy Bebop on the other. The lights get brighter and we see a slight problem…everything's freakin' pink! The furniture, walls, carpet *it's shag…run away!* and all of the casts, being all guys, are wearing pink and white tuxedo's. A girl that looks a lot like Neo, with a frilly, puffy, pink dress walks out, sits down and puts her hands in her lap.* _  
  
Neo: Hello Tokyo, and welcome to the Happy Perky-Pink Talk Show. I am Neo, and as you can tell, I have done some remodeling. Pink is so much more soothing and happy than black and blue. I have also changed the name from The Extremely Pointless Talk Show to The Happy Perky-Pink Talk Show. I think it sounds much more professional and less likely to um, tick someone off. Oh my! I am so sorry! That language was totally inappropriate! Oh no! Now I'm talking in slang! What's happening to me?   
  
Duo: Um scuse' me, but do we have to war these crappy clothes? I mean their pink for god's sake!   
  
Neo: Watch your language young sir!   
  
Duo: Young sir??????????   
  
Spike: Can I leave now? This girls freakin' me out!   
  
Neo: No more bad language! I will not tolerate it on my show! Now, we must introduce the members of Gundam Wing and Cowboy Bebop. These shows, I think, should not be watched by children under the age of 14. There is so much violence and these scary metal monster robots!   
  
_*There is suddenly a gun pointing at Neo's head. The camera pans out and we see a really mad Heero wearing a pink tux pointing a gun at Neo's head.* _  
  
Neo: EEEEEE! What are you doing! This is to violent! Help! I've been taken hostage on my own show!   
  
Heero: URUSAI!   
  
Neo: What did you say? Wait! Was that a bad word in Australian? You should was your mouth out with soap.   
  
Heero: Urusai!   
  
Neo: What? Why do you keep saying that?   
  
Duo: Ok, for the less fortunate out there, it means SHUT THE HELL UP!   
  
Neo: Oh my.   
  
Duo: Dude Heero, don't shoot her. We can't afford to waste innocent lives, remember.   
  
Quatre: Duo's right Heero.   
  
Trowa: We have killed so many innocent people.   
  
Spike: So?   
  
Trowa: Our hands are stained with the blood of battle.   
  
Wufei: Back off you weaklings!   
  
Everyone: ………………………………....................................................................................................................................................................

  
Jet: What a way to ruin the moment.   
  
Duo: Tell me about it. Now, Heero, put the gun down.   
  
Heero: But she reminds me of Releena.   
  
Duo: What? Your right! Well by all means, lets kill her!   
  
_*Duo takes out a scythe and swings it a Neo's head. Neo Ducks just in time.* _  
  
Spike: Hey, who's Releena? Is she hot?   
  
Andy: I get dibs on her!   
  
Spike: What'd you say?   
  
Duo: No, Releena's not hot. She's annoying, stupid, ugly, weird, psycho, ugly, stupid, oh yeah, and really annoying. She followed Heero all the way to Antarctica when he tried to run away from her.   
  
BANG!   
  
Spike: OUCH!   
  
Heero: Oops.   
  
Quatre: What? What happened?   
  
Duo: Um, Heero just shot Spike.   
  
_*we pan in on Spike who is laying in the floor with a pool of blood around his shoulder.* _  
  
Vicious: Hey! I wanted to kill him!   
  
Vicious's bird: Ack!   
  
Duo: Now whad ya go and do that for?   
  
Heero: What? It's not like I meant to shoot him. He was just in the way.   
  
Everyone:……Right……..   
  
Heero: What? I was aiming at her, but she ducked.   
  
Quatre: Trigger happy.   
  
Andy: Yeah! Now I get Releena!   
  
Heero and Duo: You can have her!   
  
Spike: Uh helooooooo! I'm kinda bleeding to death over here! But hey, no worries. Thanks to Dr. D, I have a way to regenerate myself.   
  
_*Spike starts glowing and his wound heals* _  
  
Spike: See? Now can we go? This place bites!   
  
Duo: That was weird. Now, where were we?…..Oh yeah!   
  
_*Heero and Duo with their gun and scythe start chasing Neo around the stage* _  
  
Jet: I want to cook something!   
  
Trowa: Hey, Wufei, you've been kinda quiet. Something wrong?   
  
Wufei: Get away from me you weaklings!   
  
Quatre: Well, we've lost him.   
  
Wufei: RIGHT ON!   
  
Trowa: Yup!   
  
_*The stage goes black and everyone stops what they are doing. We can see the green glow of Duo's scythe. A flash of light and smoke suddenly appear as the lights come back on. Our Neo is standing on the coffee table looking really pissed off.* _(A.N: I mean, her eyes were like glowing red and she had fangs!)   
  
Neo: Neo! Where are you? What do you think you're doing taking over my freaking talk show?   
  
Neo: Well, you said you were taking over the air, so I thought I would help.   
  
Neo: I'm gonna kill you!   
_  
*Neo steps forward and not realizing she was on the table falls off and lands on top of Spike who is still on the ground. *_  
  
Neo: Who put that dang table there?   
  
Spike: Um, Neo, could you get off of me? I just got shot, went knockin' on heaven's door (A.N: ha ha ha! Pun intended! Funny crap, huh?) and I'm kinda tired. Got any bell peppers and beef?   
  
Neo: Argh! That's it _*smoke comes out of her ears. She grabs Duo's scythe and runs after the good Neo*   
_  
Neo: That is the last time I ever let you come out! Why the hell did you change the name? It sucks! And what's with all the pink? That sucks even more! I don't match the background anymore! _*seeing she's wearing all black* _  
  
Neo: Well, pink is a soothing color.   
  
Neo: I'll show you something soothing! _*tries to decapitate her* _  
  
Neo: Well, black and blue is so dull.   
  
Neo: Know what else is black and blue?   
  
Neo: No.   
  
Neo: your face when I'm done with ya!   
_  
*a strange melody suddenly fills the air. The stage goes black and pink and white rose petals start to float around. A shadowy figure appears in the light. He has a big golden sword and is wearing a shirt that says _"Have you hugged a head today?" _ He slowly floats down towards the two Neo's.* _  
  
Shadowy figure: I have come to hug your head!   
  
Ed: Blood for Edward! _*goes and jumps out a window*   
_  
Neo: Kamui, what are you doing?   
  
Kamui: oh man, you ruined it!   
  
Neo: That sword looks dangerous. You should be careful.   
  
Kamui: I have come to hug the good Neo's head.   
  
Neo: Why?  
  
Neo: He's gonna chop it off, ya know decapitate you?   
  
Neo: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! The head huggers are after me!   
  
Duo: Don't you mean boobies? HA HA HA HA! _*Heero slaps him upside the head* _  
  
Kamui: Neo, she scares me! I don't want to hug her head. But I wouldn't mind cutting it off. It would be a nice addition on my Wall Of Heads. Fuuma's and Kotori's heads are already on it, but they do talk a lot. Something about kicking by butt if I don't give them back their bodies.   
  
Neo: Well I have a better idea.   
  
_*She grabs the good Neo by the neck, drags her over to the window Ed jumped put of and had accidentally left open and through her out. We hear a scream then a splash.* _  
  
Trowa: What was the splash?   
  
Neo: Milk   
  
Jet: Hey! Watch this! Bonsaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! _*he goes and jumps out the window. He climbs back in a few minutes later covered in milk.*   
_  
Everyone:………………….…_*crickets chirping* _  
  
Jet: Sorry, I've always wanted to do that.   
  
Trowa: I still don't get the milk thought.   
  
Neo: Anyone here seen Akira? (A.N: da da da, daaaaaaa!)  
  
Everyone: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!   
  
Kamui: well, I better go. There are places to go, heads to hug, I'm a busy guy. I have a See how far you can throw your opponent competition in an hour. See ya. *_starts to float away. The cords break and he falls to the floor face first.* _I'm ok...I think. _*walks off stage. The lights change back to normal and the stage is once again. Black and blue, thanks to the magic of television.* _

  
Neo: Ok, Helllllllllllloooooooooooo Tokyooooooooooooooooooooo! You all know I'm Neo, host of the Extremely Pointless Talk Show, right? RIGHT! _*Audience roars loudly* _No time for introductions though, because it's the 5th anniversary of the E.P.T.S! _*trumpets blare, banners wave, confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling* _And were taking over the Television Network! A 48 hour, yeah, two days, Extremely Pointless Talk Show with no commercials!! We'll be moving stars in and out of the studio like coke from my fridge! Am I making any sense?   
  
Duo: None what so ever!   
  
Neo: Be afraid! Very afraid!   
  
Duo: Very, very afraid!   
  
_*There ain't no party like an Otaku party cause Otaku parties don't stop! There ain't no party like an Otaku party cause Otaku parties don't stop!* _(A.N: Especially if Neo's involved! HAHA!)  
  
End of "Act One"

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Authors Ramblings:

Well, that's it for the first TV Episode. Others shall follow and mental facilities shall be receiving more patients. But its all fun, ne? I hope you enjoyed….please be a friend and click the review button…or face the wrath of my blander!


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